Monday, January 19, 2015

Two Weeks

I cannot fathom that it's been two weeks since the night my water broke. Time is going by way too fast for my liking. As I sit here typing this, there are so many different emotions I am feeling. Since having Isabelle, it has been a somewhat bumpy ride as far as my hormones are concerned. While I know that this is completely normal, I can't help but wonder one thing. Why do I miss it so much? Miss what, you ask? Being pregnant. I miss it. I miss watching my belly grow. I miss looking forward to each OB appointment. I miss feeling little baby kicks. I miss the anticipation of wondering when I would  go into labor... The labor and delivery itself ... I miss it all. Except for the heartburn. I don't miss that one bit.
I just want to know why I miss it and what is causing me to miss it. I have a beautiful little baby girl here in my arms as I type this, and another precious little girl asleep in her bed. I am so blessed. I should be overflowing with happiness and joy. Not sad and dwelling on the fact that my pregnancy is over.
I wish there was someone that I could talk to that understood what I am feeling. Someone who has felt exactly the way I do. Someone to tell me "it gets better" or "it will be ok ". A part of me wishes I could turn back time and go back to the beginning of my pregnancy and do it all over again. Every.Single.Bit.of it.
There is something about being pregnant that gives me a sense of worth, a sense of importance. I feel special. And there is NOTHING like knowing you are growing a beautiful human being inside of you. It's such a magical time. Don't get me wrong, all I could think about and talk about when I was pregnant is how I couldn't wait to meet my new baby girl, and wonder what she looked like.  But something happened. Something changed between the time my water broke, and the time I pushed Isabelle out. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it, I was no longer pregnant and instead I had a brand new baby girl in my arms. Why is it so hard to transition and just let go?
I am trying to be positive and think happy thoughts and enjoy this happy time with my new baby girl. But I am only human and every so often I let my emotions get the best of me. Today was one of those days. I have a feeling  that with each week that passes by, it will get easier but also a little harder. I know I cannot turn back time, but I can only look forward from here on out. I have two beautiful girls that need me and I need them. I need to enjoy them now while they are still little and enjoy watching them grow and reach milestones. They are only little once...
So even though I am bound to have a rough day every once in a while, I can take comfort knowing that this will soon pass... I may not know why I feel the way I feel, but knowing it is temporary will give me the strength I need to just move forward.

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